By ‘your man’ I mean your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. So, is he abusive? Emotionally? Physically? Verbally? Or……..?
For starters, all forms of abuse hurt and often times leave the abused broken. She sometimes starts to believe it’s all her fault and she must be doing something wrong.
Does that sound familiar?
Are you currently in that place where you have begun to make excuses for him?
Do you really believe you are to blame for his actions?
Well, ‘hear’ me loud and clear. If you are standing, I suggest you sit.
It has nothing to do with you. Nothing. An abuser isn’t whole. He isn’t stable mentally. So, rather than going around blaming yourself and justifying his actions, you should feel sorry for him. If you can help him, please do. In the meantime, let me explain 2 probable reasons why he acts the way he does.
He doesn’t know better.
A man who was raised by an abusive father may end up 100% like his dad. If he watched his dad hit his mum, rain insults on her, kick, curse, swear, etc…….. chances are he’ll turn out just the same way.
Parents are cautioned to always watch their words and actions, not only because we want them to make heaven ( Smiles. Sure, this is a plus) but because their kids are watching.
It could be that your man had the worst example as a dad, uncle, mentor, etc. It could be. Now this post isn’t aimed at making excuses for him. Nope. I simply want to point out why he is this way. Okay?
His self image is in a very low state.
I think this is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. No jokes, having a poor self esteem is the absolute worst. Everything just goes downhill from there.
Communication becomes affected. The person with a poor self image is almost never assertive. Never. His/her communication is always laced with timidity or aggression.
Does this ring a bell? Is your man always aggressive? Talks down on you? Has a know-it-all attitude?
If so, he probably could be using all those to cover his insecurities. With a low self image, he feels inadequate, remember? In his bid to ensure people don’t take him for granted, he then goes overboard.
Using aggression where assertion can work just as well.
Yelling when a low tone could be as effective.
Exerting force when it isn’t called for.
Hitting you to prove his authority which was never in doubt.
I can go on and on. My point? He is abusive not necessarily because he is the devil’s incarnate but because he has underlying issues.
‘How can I help him?’ You may ask.
Sadly, there won’t be any change if he doesn’t realize he has a problem. That ‘eureka’ moment makes all the difference. The moment one realizes what his problems are, the closer s/he is to the solution. Until then, there is very little you can do.
Praying for him (from a distance) and helping him with a counsellor are some of the options available. Whatever you do, please ensure your life isn’t at stake because frankly, some abusers are irredeemable.
You know something? Here’s some advice for the females around you. Anyone who recognises such behaviour in a man should stay away.
Don’t date him. Stay away.
Don’t marry him. Stay away.
You want to love him as Jesus commanded? That’s fine. Love him from a distance.
Now back to you who already has such a man as a partner, please think of your options. As alone as you may feel and as hopeless as the situation may look, you do have options.
Finally, if there’s anything I hoped to achieve by writing this, it is:
Never ever blame yourself for your man’s abuses. Granted, you may not be the perfect partner and may have more than your own share of issues. But…..he chose abuse. And you can never be blamed for the choices of another.
Regardless of all you’ve been through, never forget that you are beautiful, good enough, and deserving of the best. Always keep this in mind and you’ll be just fine. Trust me.